Thing a Week 19: Shovel Hating Sequel

Over the course of this last winter, some of you may possibly remember me writing a long(winded) and impassioned complaint on snow shoveling. I started thinking about it today, because today was the day for me to perform the summertime equivalent. By which I mean lawn mowing. Which isn't honestly that analogous to snow shoveling, except that I hate it, and I have to do it against my will (incidentally, this definition also makes snow shoveling analogous to exercise of any kind, including cleaning, washing dishes, most forms of physical labor, and several forms of mental labor as well). Anyway, my main reasons for disliking mowing are these:

1) It's physical labor
2) Specifically, it's physical labor that almost always occurs in bright sunlight
3) I am a pasty white Nordic type, and the light of the black day star burns my flesh and turns me into a walking potential melanoma
4) I am allergic to lethal skin cancer
5) I am also lazy

As this list so conclusively shows, mowing and me are not meant to be combined. However, I understand that houses look nicer with some negative space surrounding them, and so have several alternatives that don't require all the care and time that lawns do:

1) Goats. Keep a couple, and let them do the mowing for you. They will poop all over everywhere and headbutt you, but if you stay off the lawn completely then the poop will act as free fertilizer, and the goats will only headbutt each other.
2) Forest. Plant one on the yard, and you get free shade as well a potential heat source come winter. The only problem is they could fall on your house, and in heavy wind branches will fall and you 'll have to pick them up.
3) Desert Garden. Never have to water or mow cacti, and the cats will avoid your house as well. Could be difficult to maintain in winter, unfortunately.
4) Zen Rock Garden. About three times the feng shui of any other choices, you will never have to mow, and while you need to weed it and rake it daily, it's much more satisfying. Also, you will have a ready ammo source for unwanted cats, dogs, salesmen, hobos, metermen, mobs, lost relatives, in laws, and representatives of The Man.