Thing a Week 20:

A while ago, I wrote this piece, and I kind of liked it. I thought it might be fun to add more to the story.

WARNING: I sprained my finger recently, and it makes typing hard. expect bad spelling and a short post.
In the spring of 1645, the largest herd of Smarm Cows ever recorded was herded across the famous sveldts* of Thibbitian Adonia. Although not necessarily noteworthy in its own right, this fact becomes more interesting when one considers that it caused a sharp increase in both cholesterol and mating in the people of Adonia, and indirectly caused the downfall of thirteen different civilazations, as well as driving a herd of defenseless mollusks to insanity, and eventually extinction. In the annals of time , the famous historian Qtholemny reffered to the herd as being "a bunch of jerks, probably". However, Qtholemny also notes that "The massive meat surplus allowed for the invention of the triple stacker 3 lb. beefburger with extra meat sauce, so it sort of balances out" Qtholemny is generally regarded as being both an unreliable and overly biased historian.



*The sveldts of Adonia (often referred to as "the plains of bad puns") are notable for having an unusually high number of REALLY COOL fauna, including Cool Cats, Hot Dogs, Three kneed bees, and of course, the smarm cows that provide food for so much of the adonian population. And for the cool cats.

That's all I could come up with today, sorry.

Thing a Week 19: Shovel Hating Sequel

Over the course of this last winter, some of you may possibly remember me writing a long(winded) and impassioned complaint on snow shoveling. I started thinking about it today, because today was the day for me to perform the summertime equivalent. By which I mean lawn mowing. Which isn't honestly that analogous to snow shoveling, except that I hate it, and I have to do it against my will (incidentally, this definition also makes snow shoveling analogous to exercise of any kind, including cleaning, washing dishes, most forms of physical labor, and several forms of mental labor as well). Anyway, my main reasons for disliking mowing are these:

1) It's physical labor
2) Specifically, it's physical labor that almost always occurs in bright sunlight
3) I am a pasty white Nordic type, and the light of the black day star burns my flesh and turns me into a walking potential melanoma
4) I am allergic to lethal skin cancer
5) I am also lazy

As this list so conclusively shows, mowing and me are not meant to be combined. However, I understand that houses look nicer with some negative space surrounding them, and so have several alternatives that don't require all the care and time that lawns do:

1) Goats. Keep a couple, and let them do the mowing for you. They will poop all over everywhere and headbutt you, but if you stay off the lawn completely then the poop will act as free fertilizer, and the goats will only headbutt each other.
2) Forest. Plant one on the yard, and you get free shade as well a potential heat source come winter. The only problem is they could fall on your house, and in heavy wind branches will fall and you 'll have to pick them up.
3) Desert Garden. Never have to water or mow cacti, and the cats will avoid your house as well. Could be difficult to maintain in winter, unfortunately.
4) Zen Rock Garden. About three times the feng shui of any other choices, you will never have to mow, and while you need to weed it and rake it daily, it's much more satisfying. Also, you will have a ready ammo source for unwanted cats, dogs, salesmen, hobos, metermen, mobs, lost relatives, in laws, and representatives of The Man.

Thing a Week 18: Nothing in Particular, But Hopefully Entertaining.

So, I would like to apologize for last weeks post. It was horrible, and although it was timely, I was disappointed in myself and it. Ah well, can't love everything I create. And no, I probably won't finish the subject. It was something I was writing just to have something to write about, and I don't think the result of continuing would be worth the effort. Unfortunately, I can't really think of anything to write about for this week either, but I'm not going to make an effort to come up with a decent topic this time.
However, while I'm on the subject I'm reminded of something. I spent most of my life being home schooled, and at one point I had to write one page long piece per day on whatever I felt like as part of my curriculum. I kind of hated it, because after about one week my creative well dried up and I still had to write. So I would sit there, picking at the desk, and then dash out something I hated, turn it in with a feeling of intense self loathing, and then have to do it again the next day. The writing tended to be large, and spread out as far across the page as I could get it to go. I remember at one point I was reduced to writing about my bed, and then writing about it again a few moths later.
In hindsight, it kind of makes me wonder why I would do the same thing to myself (albeit in a much looser, more forgiving format) voluntarily. If I keep it up, I'll probably end up writing newspaper articles that have two day deadlines. The future looms ahead so cheerfully.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this bit, and I hope that I'll be able to start writing things which I find more personally satisfying. Also, if you look at the time stamp on this post, you'll see that I posted it like two full hours before midnight. It was a novel experience.

Thing a Week 17: On the Human Paradox

So, i was preparing something fancier than this, but i decided i didn't like it. instead i offer you, my audience, this gem or approximate equivalent in the rough. Basically, the point of today's post is this: I like to think in two ways-Vulcan style logical, and absurdist. I don't know why I like to think in these ways, it's just more fun than using reason. In the spock approach (by the way, I am not at all familiar Spock, so this is probably grossly unjust to the original Spock), I try to follow the linear paths of logical progression, thereby reaching the most reasonable conclusion. Being myself, i generally add an unhealthy amount of stubbornness and a light misting on the words reality and and reason.
I will have to tell you, my "loyal audience, about the absurdist approach on Monday. It's more fun to talk about anyway.

Thing a Week 16: Let's Face it, Anyone who Would Stretch a Title Post this Long, Is Probably a Bad Person.

To finish the story: The drunkest (and most racist) of the partiers started to become abrasive toward my companions at approximately 2 in the morning (i.e, he started theorizing that A) my companions were "jews and niggers" and B) they therefore deserved to stabbed/cut/something else unpleasant with a knife), and so my entourage hied themselves away from his suddenly less pleasant company, in spite of the benefits it provided (I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but the college kids had a a much warmer fire than my troops, and it was COLD during these proceedings). About five minutes later, the shouting started*. In another 5 minutes, all was quiet again. Then the shouting started again. At this point, the only person not awake was my father, who managed to sleep through everything, including the lights of four police cars and an ambulance, and then wake up in fine fettle the next morning to tell me it was time to wake up, two hours after I had gone to bed. Anyway, after the third shouting bout most of the collegers up and left, in spite of the fact that most of the drivers weren't sober enough to find the park exit. Seriously, some of the cars had to circle four or five times before they detected an egress-point. At this, point, three people were left: "Bacchus", the small angry racist drunk who instigated everything as far as I am aware, "Maenad" a girl who was soon to play an integral part of evenings entertainment (although at this point it was actually fairly well on in the morning), and "Artemis", a female, the only person who actually old enough to legally drink.
When these were the only three left, My group started wandering back towards the college camp to notarize the damage. We arrived to find Artemis and Bacchus wrestling on the ground, and Maenad screaming nearby. Bacchus and Artemis were separated, then Bacchus started homing in on Artemis, and she responded in kind. It was around this point that people started phoning the police. Bacchus then proceeded to claim that he hadn't hit Maenad, and that he had
hit her in self defense. Maenads ripostes were equally thought provoking and coherent.
Then Bacchus punched Maenad**, she fell down, and shortly thereafter the police arrived, apprehended Bacchus and had all the witnesses write testimonials. Then I stayed up until five talking with other campers until five in the morning, and was woken up at seven to go scouting.

The moral of the story is this: If you stay up late with drunken collegers, you will regret it the morning after. But morning AFTER the morning after, you will have an awesome story to tell.


...I thought it was a good story.

*In an interesting side note, one of the best lines I got out of the entire evening was definitely "I ADVISE you to calm your a** down, or I WILL put you to sleep." This was delivered at approximately loud enough to wake up anyone within 150 meters of the campsite, in a surprisingly reasonable tone.

**In another interesting side note, this led to my other favorite comment of the night: "I didn't know she was a female" this line was delivered by Bacchus, directly after punching Meanad in the face after arguing with her for several minutes.