and now...

Save Now

with that, i close my updating frenzy. anyone reading this can probably expect another post in 2009. but before i lapse back into my contented swine like daze of inactivity, i would plug some of the awesome things of the Internet. the first, and greatest of these is kingdom of loathing. i have a statement about, it which i repeat frequently, at regular intervals. it is the best game. it just is! kingdom of loathing is an online web browser based RPG. the only graphics are stick figures. the only method of interaction is by keyboard or mouse. the only benefit is PURE, SCINTILLATING HILARITY 23.5/7 (the site shuts down for half an hour every night to repair itself), combined with the satisfaction that the world is a better place because of this fantastic game.
the second plug is for a webcomic by kate beaton. she is canadian. she is funny. she is a classy lady on the internet (the image at right is a picture by her which i am hoping i wil not be sued for?)

the second one!

i was thinking about the town i live in, and this popped into my head. in case you cant tell, i wasnt thinking very flattering thoughts.
It was grey. Cold, grey, and prematurely old on a day in October that wasn’t quite worth the effort. In a dying town, in a bled out area, in a house that hadn’t fallen apart yet, in a room put together by a person who didn’t know what they were doing, and tried to care a great deal about it, a CD player that should have died 5 years ago didn’t work. The people who weren’t in the room didn’t care, and if someone had been in the room, they wouldn’t have either. It was, without a doubt, a possibility that someone was somewhere thinking something, maybe. If a tumbleweed had had blown down the street, no one would have noticed, but if they had noticed, they wouldn’t have cared. If they had cared, (which, as was stated previously, they wouldn’t have) they might have thought it appropriate, considering the nature of the town, or they might not have, since they didn’t care or notice. Five people didn’t walk by, and a baby boomer had an acid flashback. Somewhere else, a frog died in a pond that had forgotten about something it couldn’t remember, and chaos theory failed to make a hurricane appear that completely destroyed the dying town. A janitor got a raise, though.

the first creation

i wrote this when i was cleaning. i was very, very bored. i think it helps to read this as though it were the transcript of a political speech. it adds a certain flavour, pardon my french.

i cannot say, in all honesty, that i represent the common man. in my memory, i have never even met what seems to be publicly excepted as the common man. i represent myself. i believe that the morals, the ideas, ideals and principles which i represent reflect many of the same of those who i am speaking to tonight, but i do not know, and refuse to absolutely state. in my minds eye, the COMMON man is a predetermined thought, with set actions and reactions, a stringed puppet. i have no wish to represent this man, for i cannot truly call him a man. is not man the potential for growth? when we quantify and label him, we expect no growth, we discourage all growth, and we look with dismay upon any growth. it is my hope that some day, all men may be called uncommon men, that all men may will be willing, able encouraged to be uncommon. THIS is what i represent, and what i will strive to achieve with all my power.

hark! an update

So in the first place, I'd like to apologize to my vast and loyal fan base (ha! I kill me) for the long delay since my last post. Actually, I take that back. I don't apologize. Basically everyone who reads this knows me in person, and should therefore know that I am mercurial, whimsical, and lazy. If you weren't previously aware of the fact, then you might want to read the preceding sentence five times, or until it sticks in your mind like the mantra of a Tibetan lama who's meditated 39 hours a day for the last 78 3/5 years. But anyway, the point I was trying to make is that I will either be in a furor of posting, hacking at the keyboard until my fingers bleed with the fury(redundant, i know) of my passion, or my literary spirit will be something along the lines of Kansas at the height of the dust bowl.
ANYWAY, I actually went through a literary phase a couple of weeks ago, but I forgot about my blog and didn't think to post either of my creations here. so, weeks late, but still deliciously fresh, it is my privilege to produce the two conglomerations of text that will follow this one, in their original, i.e. unpunctuated/spellchecked/proofread glory

alone and angsty

although i have tried to make my posts cheerfully irregular tidbits (or tibbits, as i like to call them, because tibbits is basically the most awesome word invented, EVER) it was inevitable that at some point in this blogs life i would write angsty post, and then try to rationalize my sin with meta humor, and then almost fall into an eternal apologist loop, only to break it by going into a descriptive that is not just confusing, but mostly incomprehensible to anyone reading it besides me. anyway, I'm sitting in my house at 9 at night, feeling slightly sorry for myself. i would have gone to my martial arts class, except its on break, which i didn't realize until AFTER id walked 2 miles to get to it. then i walked 2 miles home, and this. shutting up now.

the tastiest so far.

if you cant tell, i get emotional about toast.

and here is something which i GAURENTEE you can eat without distestinal discomfort. probably.

Toast

you will need at least 1 slice of bread. i recommend 2-8 slices for optimal deliciousness. the type of bread you use is one of the most important factors. texas toast is one of the classically rewarding, and i can recommend it highly, but by far the best is thinly sliced homemade, preferably white although whole wheat is delicious too. multigrains are also pretty tasty.

you will also need a toaster. if you dont have a toaster, you can also cook it in a pan or the oven, although those are both quite a bit more labor intensive.

insert toast into toaster (or oven, or on pan) and bake until thoroughly browned on both sides. if you dont get it properly browned, i will personally come to your house and bluudgeon with the toaster. there is a reason it's called TOAST. if of wasnt supposed to be brown, or at least golden, we'd call it "limp, lifeless mildly heated bread... stuff". and we would never, ever eat it.

the most important part of making toast isnt the actual cooking though. its ALL in the buttering. you have to start buttering it as soon as it's out of the oven, no matter how hot it is. i dont care of you end up recieving fourth degree burns all over your body, you have to butter as soon as its done cooking. make sure the butter is spread evenly all over the toast, and that there is plenty of it. butterless toast is almost as bad as mildly heated bread stuff.

and finally, you have to top it. a properly made slice of toast can be eaten without sweetening of any kind, but a touch of honey or jam (i favor raspberry and blackberry) can transform it into pure ambrosia.

and THAT, sir or ma'am, is how you make toast.

recipe 3: almost edible!

this is the third, and one of my favorites.

ok, for once im going to make a recipe you might be willing eat.

manetwich

1 hamburger bun

1 hamburger patty

slice of cheese, whatever you feel like.

mustard (please, use the good stuff. after all, this is ART) good BBQ sauce of your choice (or ketchup, if you're a philistine) or condiments of your choice.

small frying pan

canvas with paints, and a naturalistic setting

first, heat pan, and start cooking patty. continueto cook until no liquid leaks out and it's thoroughly browned

put patty on bun, and apply toppings of your choice.

next, take your delicious conoction out to a relaxing, quiet area (i prefer somewhere near a small pond, for the fascinating light play) set up your canvas, and paint with quick, effecient strokes paying attention to the effects of light on the scene. stop after about 15 minutes, or as soon as the light has changed noticeably. start up painting again the next, at the same time as before. repeat until finished.

by the time the painting is complete, the manetwich itself will probably be getting a bit furry, so you might have to toss it. on the other hand, you'll have a DELICIOUS piece of art.

ok, so maybe i'll never get around to writing a practical recipe. at least its fun though.